Running · Barefoot

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

-just started thinking about all the good things you know? and i didnt call but i wanted to. made me sad. which is not a good thing to be while driving in the rain by the exit that i didnt take but wanted to. and then i come home to this home that isnt mine and i just miss home i miss my home you know? but its gone. there isnt one anymore. and that makes me sad beyond anything else. -

*Sometimes I am embarrassed to admit that I really enjoy John Mayer and the Plain White T's, specifically hey there delilah, which is old hat but I like this recording I have that isn't as produced as the radio version, and it's just a sweet song.

*I have way too much classical music on my computer

*There is this old man that walks the neighborhood every day. Old men by themselves make me sad.

*I hate receiving post it notes as a means of serious communication

*My schedule is very lopsided.

*Whenever you go to a class titled "Total Body Sculpting," plan to be sore for the next 2-3 days.

*Do you think I could market a bottle of diluted (40 proof) vodka mixed with equal parts water and a hearty dose of strawberry Kool-aid as jello for adults? or is that what a jello shot is? because i probably had about 10 of them last night. And some very delicious Killian's.

*Eating and drinking out of boredom is a terrible idea.

*Friends who don't really trust you aren't that great of friends.

*I wonder why God/Gaia hates New Orleans so much.

*I met a Buddhist Jew and I think that is interesting.

*I helped make a movie in a graveyard.

*Sarah Palin is very similar to my mother: 44, multiple kids, sports mom, little experience in government. I love my mother. I am sure Mrs. Palin is a good person. But I wouldn't want my mother to be president (for one thing, everyone would have to be home by 2 o clock), and given McCain's physical infirmities and their rate of recurrence, President Palin wouldn't be too far a stretch of the imagination. I feel picking her was more of a stunt than a serious choice; there are far more qualified women in the senate and house. And if he was going for a real stunt, he should have picked Condoleeza. Two diversity birds, one stone, right?

*I also wish Biden weren't such a pretty, well-groomed white man. Oh, bama. /yeah sorry bad pun.

*good luck in our senior year.

how does one find a grad school? / how does one discern if grad school is the right choice. Maybe i'll go to europe and sing on the corner, but that won't get me a lead at La Scala and i am afraid it might turn me into a prostitute.

In other news I turned 21. Cashier didn't card me when I bought a keg for my party. The universe laughed at me for being so good for so long. Party was fun though. hell, the weekend was fun.

In other other news I am in the Nati for the summer, under grad research assisting my music professor in his quest for Music, War and Peace and Music, Love and Death. Erlkonig anyone?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdhRYMY6IEc

Anne Sofie Von Otter is my hero. So is Renee Fleming. The research stuff might be cool, and could probably evolve into an incredible musicology fellowship somewhere, but i'll have to wait and see if it captures me.
La la la la. hannah wants to sing. I should just walk up to Julliard and be like whoa, you need me.

Cuz ballsy shit like that works.

Hi,

I could post a chipper summary of my summer, but I'm not in the mood to write a cookie cutter summer was great! entry. Not that it wasn't great, I'm just feeling calmer about it.

I've wrestled with a lot of issues this summer, and I'm certainly still on the mat. My internship has forced me to think about things like food stamps, farm subsidies, workers rights, janitors' strikes, immigration, Wal-Mart as an evil?/ambiguous force in the world, poverty, art as a healer, stereotypes, personal safety, foreign policy and non-profit work. Some have said, "See what hanging out with all those communists will do to you?"

I've also built a lot of relationships...friends, bosses, teachers, the boyfriend..I've done well.

But I also want to do good. Help people. Help myself. Save the world. Big idealist dreamer nonsense. A few years ago I probably would have said the same thing and attribute my means as through God and his (her? its?) mercy.But I don't know now. I think, at heart, I still believe many, many things Christianity portents, about behaviour, human decency, love etc. In my head, though, I logically must question other things; heaven/hell, God's whereabouts nowadays, the politics of religion, the fighting of one religion and another when many believe in the main God, just not his kid. Would that leave me believing in Christian ethics and questioning religious practice? Pissed off at hypocrites, including myself? Kind of just wanting to live a hedonistic lifestyle that I see so many indulging in?

Maybe all of those things.

What I have decided is that, Christ or no, love is a good thing. The kind of love that reflects someones beauty back to them. Not the superficial skin deep drunken lusty sexual sensual beauty, although thats not all bad either. I mean the beauty evident in a person who is happy and is trying to spread his happiness. The beauty of a person being herself, and that being okay. The beauty that comes from truth and peace.

Maybe that beauty doesn't exist, not perfectly. Maybe that beauty only exists in the lives of the saints and martyrs, the persecuted, the righteous.

Or maybe it exists in all of us, simmering, waiting to shine.

In any case, I know that I must not live a life of superficial pleasures that centers around my small and inconsequential universe. I must not skate on by, not wondering why things are the way they are and what I could do to change them.

I must not. Don't let me.

Summer service has started. I am going to work at Kennedy Heights Arts Center and do whatever they want me to do. Everyone in the program seems cool and I think this will be a great experience. I will miss my friends and our nights in Steve's basement watching Comedy Central, but I am glad to not have too many rules to follow. Most of all I will miss Sammy I think, because every time I go back he's grown and changed so much. That's the biggest thing that sucks about being a college student with a toddler for a brother.

I need to sing/practice. I've taken a liberal amount of time off and that's bad. There's so much I want to do that I intimidate myself.

During training yesterday I climbed a really tall pole thing. The scariest part was being high up on the platform and having to swing out through the air to grab hold of the other side. But I did it. And felt awesome.

Time for a cookout.

Merry late Christmas and happy extra late Hannukah and general holiday greetings to all,

Finals were fun, weren't they? I personally loved having eight. For all my bitching, grades turned out fine. Linear Algebra wasn't as great as I wanted but I didn't have any time to dedicate to any one particular subject so I can only blame myself.

Christmas was small this year, gift wise, and it was nice. I got a coffeemaker, and Egan actually picked out a nice shirt/cami combo for me. I was surprised. It's so odd that he's bigger than I am now, and about to turn 14. It seems like yesterday Brenna Fraley and I were duct taping him to the floor when WE were about to turn 14.

I hate when parents try to make your dreams all about money.

Dan and I broke up, again, for those of you who knew we had gotten back together. It's rough, but okay. Reading letters from him this summer and comparing to the final letter I received last week, all I can say is "What the hell happened?"

But anyway.

I think Nami has a 26, and I have a 23 now. I wonder if they go around saying that they have 19s.

"stick to the status quo.." bah high school musical. Yay Dreamgirls. The musically inspiring moments far outweighed the cheesy musical moments. This was my only movie experience (other than "Snakes on a Plane") where the audience members vocally lauded the performances during the movie. "And I'm telling you I'm not going" sung by Jennifer Hudson and "Listen" by Beyoncee were my favorites I think. The soundtrack is on my list.

With that, I'm off to Barnes and Noble/the library/ mall or something. I'm alone all weekend, since my parents decided to take everyone else back to Cincinnati for New Years. Why? I don't know. I hope everyone has a lovely and fun New Years Eve and best wishes to all!

*hlb*

I was drunk on Wednesday and Saturday. Wednesday is not a good night to get drunk. I miss my brothers. My friends went to a sex toy party and they bought this tingly lip balm and I like it. I miss writing. Music is intellectual but people don't get that. Not even I get it. I hate being told to get a "real" major. Whatever, like learning greek is so much more applicable to the real world. I don't want to offend but neither do I want to be walked on.

I want to know what's going on in my life. I want emotions to not conflict. I want a magic wand to clean my room cause I hate the mess but don't have the energy to move it all.

I feel called to do something and that scares me.

I went to church tonight for the first time in over a month and the main point was this, "The thing we desire and seek most in life, love, is tied to what we fear most in life." (pain, suffering, hardships. )

And we do all pretend that life doesn't hurt and we wall off people and put on this act like everything will be okay in the end. But there are no assurances like that, things do end up shitty and even in death uncertainty lies. Not to say things can't end up fine, just that sometimes they don't.

I didn't mean for this to be a pessimistic post. Noises Off went well this weekend, and Caribbean Blend sold out five shows. I sold a lot of raffle tickets. I actually did homework. Sort of.

I usually don't care what people think but I just went back and corrected all the IM bastardization of the English language because I want my friends who care about that stuff to read this. Lame.

I miss you all.

so classes are kicking my ass for maybe the first time in my life. is that snobbish? sorry. but i've never been near the bottom in anything. and frankly i liked it that way and always expected it to be that way. maybe im not that bad, but everyone else is just so good that by comparison i suck. or they are good at hiding that they also do not know what is going on. i don't think i've ever wanted the week to be over so fast. but the week being over doesn't help because the next week has exactly the same if not bigger work load. and i brought this all on myself so i shouldn't complain but still. It sucks to realize that the whole "I can handle it" stuff isn't necessarily true. i mean, 22 credit hours and a show? there are worse things, i could be in more ensembles i guess or attempting to work a job. and i could be tone deaf. but then i wouldn't be a music major so that little device doesn't work.

okay, done whining, sorry.

i do love singing. and always have. and always will. this time will pass, maybe not soon, but eventually.

sammy, by the way, is the most adorable 2 year old brother I could have. and I really miss my family. and Saturday's lounging around doing nothing after mowing the lawn.

but not the curfew.

damn.

-HB

So i dropped four classes today and added six new ones.

I'm a music major now.

Phase two: tell parents....

EDIT: seriously thirty seconds after i posted this my mom called me saying "so are you gonna tell us what you switched your major to?"

omg moms really do know everything.

-i'm seriously considering a music major

- i've been listening to judy garland like mad

-i want school to start for many many reasons

-it's hard to fit "how summer should have been" time into the last two weeks of august

-i miss the friends who have already left, and those i never see.

-being on the Xavier Players board makes me feel really cool. especially since i get to order things and design things and get things done/be useful.

-i wonder if one can survive on angel food cake alone.

-d-d-do ya have it? GUTS

go on girl let your hair down...

random thought...i wonder how big the cultural difference is between being African American and African British (if thats the term). just wondering because this artist Corinne Bailey Rae is black and British, and I wonder if people in Britain identify themselves in the same racial terms as Americans do. And if they don't, how does another nation fragment its population?
could be some big social study.

im sorry for the horrendous grammar preceding this apology.

in other news, the pet count at my place of employment has reached double digits, with a new cat bringing the total to ten: two dogs, two birds, two turtles, a fish, a rabbit, a guinea pig, and the cat.

I'm allergic to cats. At least I only have a week left.